Bagpipes
by Emily Baudelaire
Summary: Ted winds up at Barney and Robin's for a short while. Things escalate in the typical B&R fashion. Rated T for the heavily implied. Written for the HIMYM 10 year anniversary ficathon.


From the second he accepted Barney's offer, Ted knew that he was going to deeply regret that decision. His apartment had, unfortunately, been scheduled to undergo a tremendous amount of cleansing after an ant infestation had spiraled out of control, and said cleansing would be no overnight ordeal. As a result, Barney had invited him to stay at he and Robin's apartment for the half week, a suggestion that Ted would undoubtedly come to wish he would have declined.

"Feel free to make yourself at home," Barney said as Ted walked through the door, struggling with his luggage.

Barney only watched his friend.

"Dude, help?" Ted asked impatiently.

"Ah, what's the magic sentence?" Barney replied, holding up a finger.

Ted rolled his eyes. "I, Ted Mosby, should be glad to have the privilege of staying at the Palace of Barnabus Stinson, and therefore shall only request help when it is absolutely necessary."

"That's the spirit! Here, let me help you!" Barney rushed to grab some of Ted's bags, and once Ted had gotten through the door successfully, he collapsed on the couch, panting.

"Okay, NOW feel free to make yourself at home," Barney stated. He paced into the kitchen and popped the lid off of a glass bottle of Glen McKenna before pouring the golden liquid into a clear glass. "This is so exciting!" His energy was at an all time high, like a child who had eaten too much sugar. "Just you, me, and Robin, half a week. One fellow bro, said fellow bro's super hot ex- now my wife- and me!"

He walked back to where Ted was still reclining on the couch and handed him a glass of scotch, then sat down next to him.

"And, get this!" he continued, never stopping his overexcited fidgeting for one second. "On Tuesday, Robin's gonna be off at some meeting, so we can do literally any single thing we want or have ever wanted to do! Just two bros against the world, Ted! I mean, come on, if I could only choose one more high five for the rest of my life, I'd have to make it over this. Up top!"

He and Ted's hands collided with a satisfying slap, a high five so hearty that Barney's palms stung a little after the impact. As he waved his hand to stop the tingling, Ted spoke up.

"You know, I guess you're right. That is the dream, isn't it?"

Barney nodded, smiling. "Correct, Teddy Boy. It is the dream."

The rest of the night was spent with the consumption of some delicious pizza, a rousing game of Wii Fit, during which Barney over-enthusiastically managed to kick Ted in the knees, and the viewing of the Avengers, which Robin had coaxed Barney into watching at the lure of Black Widow and Maria Hill, whom he was turned on by at the mere fact that she looked oddly just like Robin.

* * *

At around 3 AM, Barney and Robin had decided to head off to bed, and Ted had insisted that he watch some TV on Barney's enormous television.

Meanwhile, in the bedroom, the last thing on Barney and Robin's mind was sleeping.

"Do you think that these next few nights will be weird with Ted here?" Robin asked as she lay back on the bed, her arms crossed over her chest.

Barney, who was brushing his teeth, emerged from the bathroom, clad in only a very fitting pair of slate gray boxers, and shrugged.

"It's just that…we've never really had company since we've been together," Robin added.

Barney disappeared back into the bathroom, only to come out seconds later. "Robin, this is Ted we're talking about. Dude only knows how many times we've done it in his bed. Trust me, it'll be no more awkward than that sneak-n-bang we did back at your bratty cousin's birthday party, only there won't be any creative use of frosting this time. Other than that, we're good!"

He flounced down onto the bed next to her.

"Yeah, you're right," she agreed. She smiled, a fiery glint in her eyes. "You ready then, Stinson?"

He quickly looked under the blankets. "Check and mate," he replied with a wink.

He moved closer to her as they kissed, her hands under the blankets working the elastic of his underwear until she could feel the bare softness of his round, firm behind under her fingers.

Once the boxers were off, along with every other bit of clothing and undergarments, there was nothing stopping the two. They were insatiable.

* * *

Ted was half an episode into a rerun of Woodworthy Manor when he heard it. A grunting noise coming from down the hall…a very familiar one at that. He briefly chalked it up to be his mind playing tricks on him and resumed his episode, but soon, it became more consistent, and louder.

Then, he could have sworn he heard the name of "Barney" being called. Then, there was more..moaning. And absolutely none of it seemed to be stopping any time soon.

His reaction to the sounds soon turned from disgust to annoyance. This wasn't only nasty, it was downright agitating.

He debated for a while what to do, and drummed his fingers on his lap as he concentrated, hoping to drown out what now sounded like creaking coming from the other room.

His eyes caught on the bags he had yet to unpack, and he suddenly saw it- the bagpipes! The eccentric old lady who lived just down the hall from him had gifted them to him just days ago, claiming that bagpipe music could halt any pest problem. And though Ted hadn't believed that in particular, it occurred to him now that it could indeed stop a certain issue.

He walked over to the corner of the room where the instrument was resting (now very grateful of the fact that he had chosen to bring something as obscure and practically useless as bagpipes to begin with), picked it up, and started playing, as loudly and obnoxiously as he possibly could.

A deafening silence followed.

Then Robin cursed. And so did Barney, in agreement.

Ted smiled to himself, satisfied with the deed, and sat back down on the couch.

"Ted!" Barney growled out. He was standing at the doorway, shirtless, skin slick with perspiration, thoroughly angered. "Never. Again!" He gestured accusingly.

Ted only shrugged. "Karma knows how many times you two have done it in my bed."

Barney rolled his eyes, huffed, and then slammed the door.

* * *

The following morning, Barney and Robin were awakened by the appetizing scent of bacon, pancakes, and cinnamon.

They sleepily trudged out to the kitchen, where Ted, dressed in his gray Wesleyan tee and a baggy pair of plaid pajama pants, was grilling bacon and flipping pancakes over Barney's stove. He smiled at them cheerily.

"Morning, my fair lady," he said to Robin, "and Barney."

"Ted, what is this?" Barney asked, scratching his sleep-ruffled hair.

"Breakfast."

"I know that. I meant why?"

"Hey, Ted's making us food, roll with it," Robin said.

Ted loaded stacks of bacon and pancakes onto each of their plates. Without saying a word, he placed the plates onto the table.

"Go on, eat!" he commanded.

They sat down, and Robin dug in immediately.

"You know, I'm still not over last night, Mosby," Barney told him, sounding reprimanding. "The last thing you should ever, ever do to a bro is interrupt his consummating of love, unless in the instance of an emergency, and that emergency better be a good one."

"Yes, I admit that what I did last night was a little harsh," Ted replied. "Will you accept my apology breakfast?"

"Psh, if you think you can buy me back that easily-" Barney started to say, just as Ted handed him a plate of pancakes- cinnamon pancakes, with cream cheese frosting dribbled across the stack.

"You made icing? Nice!" Barney exclaimed, and he excitedly took a bite of the delicious breakfast food.

"Now do you accept my apology?"

Barney dabbed off his lips with a napkin. "You gonna do this every day?"

Ted smiled. "Maybe."

"That's what I'm talking about! Gimme a hug, ya big crazy!"

After they had hugged, they enjoyed the rest of their breakfast together.

"We should keep him around all the time," Robin remarked.

"Eh, who knows? Maybe I'll stay for a few days after my apartment's done," Ted replied. "I mean, I'm not going anywhere, it's not going anywhere. Think I'll go for it."

 _(Later that night)_

Ted lay on the couch, his eyes wide open, staring up at the ceiling, listening as Barney and Robin loudly made love next door.

"Can you guys please not?" he yelled.

They didn't respond. He covered his head with a pillow in an attempt to block out the noise, but to no avail. When that didn't work, he stood up, grabbed his things, and simply walked out.

And while that may have been disappointing for Barney and Robin, Ted had to admit: it would make for a pretty hilarious and embarrassing conversation piece with Marshall and Lily at MacLaren's the next day…if not the next year.


End file.
